sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
