Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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