She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
