When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
