He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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