My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
