hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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