I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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