Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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