I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
