Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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