It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
