after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So. Much. Porn.
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