im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
