Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
