The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
