Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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