What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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