The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
