remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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