It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
