I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
