I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
