My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
only you would photoshop your dick
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
