"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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