im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
