Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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