This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
