it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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