How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
