i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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