the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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