My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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