Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
