Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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