remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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