he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
