i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
