when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
