I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
