I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
