its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
