Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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