Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
