Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
