worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
