On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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