Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
