Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
