My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Buhtt sex?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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