i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Randomize
