I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
