i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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