So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
